you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
