It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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