so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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