Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
