apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
