I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
