i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
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Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just want nice things and good sex
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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