I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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