I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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