What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
