i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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