with your own penis?
My liver just broke up with me...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need water and some morals
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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