this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
