she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
