The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
