Moan for me like Helen Keller
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
