No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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