I think i peed on brittanys purse
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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