Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
