the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Randomize
