i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
