Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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