I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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