its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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