I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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