piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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