You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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