my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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