he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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