So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
