erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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