She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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