woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
