So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Let's paint friendship bongs
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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