Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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