Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night