You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
