Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
