I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
soo... how was my night?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
