That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
sarcasm needs its own font
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
