go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
