she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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