i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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