1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he was CRYING into my vagina
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
