you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
