The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
