god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
