I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize