Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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