Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
