I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
