isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
