i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
