I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So here I am, sexting at work.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
