The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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