i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize