Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
